My funeral

I’ve realised that if I died tomorrow than I would be buried in such a wasteful, boring way, I’d have to come back to life and kick the arses of all the people that organised. So I need to plan it ahead of my death and hope that my loyal friends and family shall carry out my wishes. First off, I’M NOT GOING TO HAVE A CEREMONY IN A FUNERAL HOME OR CHURCH!!!!!! Anywhere other than that should be fine. Also my body is not to be embalmed and put in a big expensive casket, just chuck my body in a pine box and through some lye in there too. Now, as for what people are allowed to wear, everyone has to where some kind of silly hat and there also has to be a couple of people dressed in costumes from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Star Wars, Star Trek and maybe someone dressed as Gordon Freeman too, OH! and someone dressed like Abe Lincoln. Just so any photos of the event look really bizarre. 

Hmmmmm, musiccccc. I think Chopin’s standard funeral dirge (I’ve forgotten what it’s called) but maybe like a techno remix of it. The maybe “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” and then Tiny Tim’s rendition of  ”Livin’ in the Sunlight, Lovin’ in the Moonlight” and then something by KISS and a Bob Dylan song. 

I’m not sure what should be done with my body, I’ll leave that up to my readers. And If I don’t like what they choose I will come back and haunt you soooooo bad!

The mysterious case of the broken iPhone power adapter and Mrs. Strawbsworths Cat

First off, for all of you who are fans of Mrs. Strawbsworth and her lavishly furnished mansion, I’m sorry to tell you this has nothing to do with her or her tabby. This is solely about my 3 day old iPhone power adaptor and it’s untimely demise. 

I first discovered that it was no functioning one night when I plugged it in and the iPhone said it wasn’t charging. I figured it was actually charging and the iPhone just didn’t know what it was talking about, so I left it plugged in for the night. The next morning, however, I found that the battery life had dropped down slightly and that the power adapter was indeed, not working. I pulled it out to have a closer look at what was happening. I then discovered little black marks coming for every place were a connection was being made. I rubbed them to see what it was and it just rubbed off, which leads me to believe it was made by smoke. Furthermore, I shock the thing (when things work they usually don’t have loose things in them, hardly any machine works with parts that move around when forcibly shook) and I heard a rattling of something inside! What is this shit!? It’s not meant to make that sound! Is our electricity not good enough for it and it made it die!? Grrrrrrr, Now I have to take it back to the Optus shop I got it from and they won’t be able to do anything on the spot so it will probably have to get sent away or some other time consuming exercise. GRUMBLLLEEEEEEEE.

Do you want more blog post?

Just a short post again, for all my units of followers. I have a question for you, do you want more blog posts. If so I will consider getting a iPhone app that will let me do just that. I'll be forking over a whole wad of cash for this program (About 3 to 10 dollars) and you have to comment to tell me if you think it's a good idea. 

I am part of Steve's undead army.

I have finally upgraded from my 5 year old phone to a fancy new phone on a 24 month plan. By the title you should have guessed what type it is. I wish i was an evil genius like Steve. I guess I am deserving of a new phone. I won the other one in a raffel. (I composed this entire post on the iPhone, that's why it's very short.

Photography

I've finally started taking and developing photos again. It's a lot of work (and money) but it's worth it. You can see my latest exploits at my Flickr page and you are all welcome to spread the photo of Hanna's underarm hair around the internet as you please, It didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped probably because she was moving quickly trying to hide it. 

I'm not sure about the other photos but you may judge them and tell me what you think, I crave your compliments!!!!1!!

F games.

I finally gave into the ads and stickers on a certain game retailers store fronts and exchanged two games I purchased recently for Call of Duty colon World at War. The 2 games I exchanged for it were Fable 2 and Farcry 2. Fable 2 was pretty good the first play through, but I came to hate it in the end. The story was as satisfying as coitus interruptus and I was both glad and angry that It was so easy so I didn't go through all this pain to get to the disappointing ending. I don't even want to talk about Farcry 2, lets leave it at that.

I only really got Call of Duty because of the multiplayer and the Zombie slightly-larger-than-mini-game. In the story you are literally doing the same things that you did in the first Call of Duty game (getting the Russian flag to the top of the Reichstag). But, I still like it.

New monitor

I've been using an old CRT monitor in conjunction with my Xbox 360 for some time now and it was, quite frankly, shit. So, I got a new one!

It's 22 inch BenQ contraption and it is fully sick! Oh, excuse all the shit on my desk, that's just how I roll.

The only problem with it is that when I wake up and roll over I feel like one of the apes out of 2001.

And seeing as I'll mainly be playing games that portray horrible acts of violence, it kind of is like the monolith!

Xbox Live abuse.

Just a few minutes ago I was, for the first time, verbally abused over Xbox Live. I was playing battlefield bad company (I was going really well, too. I think I was at the top of the leader board. The game works off points, 10 points for a kill, 30 points if you capture a flag etc) I had about 320 points or something like that, when all of a sudden one of my own team mates started shooting at me, then he stabbed me! 

I though "Oh well, whatever, he is just messing around." Then he killed me again! I checked his score to see if he was just going around the whole game d

oing this (you get -15 for kill your own team) but he was on about 100. At this point I felt some revenge was in order. So, I stabbed him up real good. The game ended and I went to play some Galaga (It's fucking awesome). When a thingo popped up saying that I had a voice message from this guy, wait, I'll find his gamertag so I can get my xbox live hommies onto him. STAINLESS 360 is his name. Anyway, the message went like this "I'll fucking shoot you

 when you let enemies go by, ya cunt! Fucking getting me killed, motherfucker" or something like that. This was a voice message and the guy sounded like someo

ne who would talk like that. I sent him a message saying "I tripled your score, maybe if you got good at the game you wouldn't die. Think up better smack talk then "fuck" and "cunt"

He sent one back saying something along the lines of "What the fuck is smack talk, you cunt" Speak fucking English, mother fucker. I can't understand you Armidale, flannel wearing, housing commission, cunt!"

First off, flannelette shirts are so back in fashion, at least that's what I heard. Oh, and he knew I was from Armidale because it said so on my gamertag (I really should change that, incase this guy and others are homicidal)

Anyway, I sent a message back saying "Smack talk is sweari

ng and when people like you, ie someone with diminished mental capacity, talk themselves up when they actually suck. I feel a bit sorry for you. Do us all a favour and kill yourself, so you can't reproduce and make more little fuckwits"

It felt good to void someone's existence in a couple of sentences, I mean, he nullified his own existenc

e when he opened his mouth. 

I let him send me one more message before I blocked because It's less fun taunting someone when the insults go over there heads. He said something like "Just send text messages, Don't let me hear your real voice because your probably fucking 12, I'll bitch slap you, It would just take one hit" It was something really weird. I was sending him text messages as opposed to him who was sending voice. I was doing that because I don't have an xbox headset. I do have a headset that will work with it and I was searching around for it to send my final message, but alas, I could not find it. So I said this "Hmmm, I can't find my mic. Anyway, I think your shift at Coles packing shelves is about start. It must be crap to suck at games AND real life"

First off, I have nothing against Coles or shelve packers, I would work there packing shelves but I figure I'd be too dainty for that. I just thought it would be a good th

ing to hurl at him. I guess I'm a bit cheap for blocking him but who cares, I'm not the only one that can't deal

 with people like that, Am I? Actually, he kink of reminds me of that Kevin "Bloody" Wilson fan that left a comment on a certain persons blog.

I'm going to play some Galaga now, because Galaga is awesome and something that should be idolised by all. 

Why do crap movies attract bogans?

As most people reading this know, I work in a video store. Over the time I've worked there the recent movie releases have been.......lacklustre to say the least. Standard comedies, standard horrors, standard thrillers. The same story with a few changes, morphed around changing fads and fashions. But with one thing  in common, they all suck balls. Oh my dear lord, the tripe that people are willing to eat up.

One of the main defences of people that hire out "romantic comedies" (Yes, all of them are awful.) and movies where the main character is described as a "stoned slacker" or any female main character described as "sexy and single". Anyway, the main defence of these people is, "I don't want to have to think, I just want to be entertained". Hey! I've got an idea for you. Get one of your equally vacant friends and nail gun and try to catch them in your mouth! You'll be entertained for a little bit without having to think and you'll also stifle off the profits to movie producers who keep making shit for you to buy.

 You are sitting on the fucking couch watching something that could be stimulating. The job you work is not mentally draining, I don't think any job now days is so mentally draining that a movie with decent characters that you might actually care about would be too much.

Anyway, back to the title. Bogans have the worst taste in movies, a lot of them come in with there gross girlfriends and pick up some horrible shit, "American Pie" "Epic Movie" "Scary Movie". Then all these other D-grade movies that you see on at Noon on Sunday. 

Oh my god, I hate those people!

I feel like a South Korean

I FINALLY decided to buy Starcraft today. I think I might have owned a pirated version of it years ago back when I didn't make money and I loved it. I never played through the entire campaign of the first game let alone the expansion pack. I was too little and it was too hard. Now I shall conquer it, like I should have done all those years ago....

Fallout 3 Part 2

After I emerged from Vault 101 I pretty much followed what happened in the 5 part (or 4 part, I can't remember) demo that Bethesda put out for the game. I went to Megaton, and town built around an unexploded nuclear bomb. I went around there looking for things to do and found a guy that wanted me to blow up the unexploded bomb for some guy named Tenpenny. Who wouldn't take that offer?! After I did this I got a suite inside a old hotel this guy Tenpenny found and declared himself owner of. At this stage, I was about as evil as you could be. The game has a karma system which tracks what you do and peoples impression of you changes according. For example, because I was so evil I was able to threaten some slave traders to let me into there town. The crazy thing about doing all this evil stuff, is you feel like such an arsehole for doing it. I went back to the smoking crater that one was Megaton and I stumbled across someone I had met when I first visited there, she was really nice to me and gave me some free stuff from her shop, When I blew up the town she was over explorer some ruins for a book she was going to write and got a big heaping of radiation sickness. She was all deformed and gross, but she was none the wiser that I had anything to do with the bomb going off. So she was still really nice to me! I felt like such a jerk. You actually feel bad about it, it's not like in Bioshock with those Little Sisters, I didn't give a shit about them, they were really creepy. But these morale choices effect people that may have helped you out before or have already had a shit time. 

It wasn't long before my actions caught up to me and a group called the Regulators, a sort of judge, jury and executioner group, came after me. A dispatched them easily but I decided to try and have my sins forgiven by trying to do the right things from there on in.

Apart from all the morale choices that you actually feel attached to, the other fantastic thing about this game is the number of unique places you can find. I discovered an a old military Fort, so I decided to go into the CO's house first to look around and see whether I could find out what this place was for. I found a safe next to a door to a bunker that I couldn't get into (I couldn't pick the look either, I needed a key to get into it) In the safe was a Missile Launch Key and also an piece of paper with Missile Launch codes on it. I was amazed that I may be able to control a nuclear missile and this was actually in a game. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a key to the under ground bunker anywhere around the facility. So I left to explore some other area in the game. 

It would take me too long and too many blog posts to describe how awesome this game is. You should just play it. 

Now the reason I said there would be spoilers for Fable 2 in this post was I didn't want to spoil the fact that this game is not very good. Yeahhhh, Peter's eyes are bigger than his ability to make what is in his brain. 

Fallout 3 Part 1

****WARNING, THIS MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR BOTH FALOUT 3 AND FABEL 2****

READ LAST PARAGRAPH FIRST

I'm not sure whether what I'm going to write is a review or critical analysis or just ramblings about how totally bad ass Fallout 3 is. Maybe it will be alllllll those things and many more! :-D

There has been a lot of hype over this game, perhaps in part due to the fact that the first two were loved by all (I never played them but there seem to be some die hard fans) I never played the first two, I did read about the plot and got a pretty good understanding of what they were all about, story wise at least. But I can't compare Fallout 3 to them as games. From my understanding they have completely different gameplay mechanics and what not. But what I CAN compare it to (and what everyone thought it was going to be, only with guns) is Elder's Scrolls IV Oblivion. For those of you who read this that aren't gamers (That's probably only Stacey :-D) the people that made Fallout 3 also make a series called Elder's Scrolls. The most recent instalment of which looked very much like the demos that were being shown of Fallout 3, only with guns instead of swords and bows AND MY AXE! This game IS NOTHING LIKE OBLIVION! It's sooooooo much better, I've played the game for at least 20 to 25 hours (I had to fit those hours spent playing around going to the gym and getting poontang) and I have not once seen a building or area that is exactly the same as another area I'd just been in. Oblivion was HUGE but it was just filled with the same caves and dungeons over and over. Okay, I'm sick of talking about other games that aren't Fallout 3, I'll get into the story part of the game and what is so super kick ass about it. (this may be where the spoilers start)

You start off the game by being born, literally. You're looking out the eyes of a baby being born. You're crying and there is blood on the screen (because if you get blood on your eyes than it forms little droplets as if it was on a camera lens, for those of you who are stupid and don't know that) Know, this birth scene is all part of the tutorial and character building that happens over the course of your childhood up to the age of 18 or 19. First off you select what gender you are and so your father (that is a doctor and delivered you) say the different dialogue for which ever one you choose. Then you're dad is talking to you and says something like "Know, son, you're mother and I were thinking of naming you......" and then you get to fill in the name. I called my guy Jesus Spalding Jr. After I entered that in he said "Isn't that a lovely name for a beautiful baby boy :-D "

Now, I'd heard that this was how they did the character editing thing. Like, you grew up and as you did you could select all your character traits, like if you were strong or more smart or whatever (For the RPG nerds that are reading this, it's like all the other Fallout games. It uses the S.P.E.C.I.A.L system and then for your other stats like your repair skills, small gun skills, bow staff skills etc you take an exam when you turn 16 that determines what you are going to be like as a character and assigns the points to each area based on that. Of course you can change them as you see fit but I thought it was a clever way of doing it) BUT, I didn't know what they were going to do for how your player looks. It's hard to work in setting up what you look like into a believable system, so what they did was do something which seems really silly thinking about it now. Upon your birth and after you select your gender and name your father pulls down a screen and says something like "The DNA making system has determined what you're going to look like in the future, lets see whether you're going to super hot OR super not!" and then you set up what you look like. I wish real life was like this!

So, back to the story. You're born and you learn over a montage of scenes from different parts of your life that you have been born inside a nuclear bunker after doomsday. It's called a Vault, which is a stupid name for a company to call there line of nuclear bunkers, but whatever. 

As you get older you get the sense of some tension between the Vault Overseer and your father. Coming to a climax when your father escapes the Vault and the Overseer wants to kill you. I don't really understand why exactly, but I was going to have none of this shit! The Overseers daughter came in and told me that all this shit was going down and I had to escape, she also gave me a gun she stole from her dad. Anyway, she ran off an I went out trying to find my way out of what looked like the inside of a battleship while giant cockroaches attacked the guards while I made my escape (Oh yeah, for you idiots who don't know nuffin bou science and crap, radiation makes animals big and sometimes green, thought I'd just school you on that discipline of science) . I stumbled across the Overseer with some of his goons interrogating his daughter, I decided that he must be arsehole if this is what his relationship with his daughter was like. So I killed him, and his goons! Ha ha ha! I love RPGs.

The daughter got all teary eyed and went on about how I "didn't have to go that far!" I just selected the rudest things to say back to her. Liiiikkke "You're father was a tyrant, he deserves to be dead" or something like that, then I left the vault and headed out into the remnants of the world above.

Turns out this is going to be a 2 part epic, because I am sick of typing and it's late. I'll do the second part tomorrow, maybe. Also, the second part will be were the spoiler are so this part is actually safe. I'll put a note in the top telling you to read the last paragraph first. And just like a trained monkey, you should be reading this part now. Well done! Now go back and read the rest of it!

Sideburns

I'm aiming to achieve sideburns as big as Mendelssohn's. Mmmmmm-mmmmm.

Toby Lilt Thallus, Photojournalist for the Associated Press

I was going in to our wonderful town centre tonight to pick up a copy of "The Incredible Hulk" (Why did they make another one? It's like running in front of a train because you think it's a good idea, surviving that, and then running in front of another one after years of physiotherapy and immense emotional and physical pain, and expecting it to be better experience this time around [oh, did I mention I was going to go pay money for this movie I am criticising?{I also base this criticism off nothing, seeing as I didn't see the first movie, but oh well, go fuck yourself}]) 

As I walked from my can towards the video store (I work at said video store, I just want the ladies out there to know that because I know that's totally hot) these two girls started yelling at me. I think it went something like this "Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" I couldn't see who was  yelling because I was standing under the 1.21 Gigawatt fluorescent lights we have there, so I just waved incase it was someone I knew (I could make out one of them holding a wine bottle up triumphantly and one sitting down, well, one that I THOUGHT was sitting down but I'll get to that in a minute).As I walked in the door they yelled out something along the lines of "Yeah, rock on........! Ahhhhh, come one, guy!" I'm not sure what that meant, like I wasn't getting into the spirit of things by engaging in conversation with them. I walked in and immediately told the girl that was working (who was about to walk out the door, or at least I thought she was) to watch out for the crazy girls yelling stuff out down the street. Some people in the shop said the same ones gave them some lip as they came in too. I left the video store shortly after that because they had no fucking Hulks left, motherfucker! As I walked out the door I was worried that maybe the girl had come closer and would talk to me, fortunately they'd moved on. So I moved quickly back to my car, in which my mother and kid sister awaited, scared that maybe there were more of these girls lurking about the place.

Okay, We've come to the kicker now. Not only were they so drunk that they'd gone beyond their normal capacity to not realise how completely stupid they are (Like, normal stupid people, i.e. most of the people in Armidale, know they aren't smart but don't think about it because they aren't smart enough to do anything about it. Now, when THOSE people get arseholed, they try to drag you into the stupid too [when I talk about stupid and smart, I don't mean book smart or knowing lots about certain things, some of the stupidest people are academics. I mean the people that can't see anything but what's in there self-interest and don't try to understand anyone else's interests, it's hard to explain, I'll have to think about it more. WAIT! It's someone that would do that. When I say stupid, I mean the people that don't/can't think. I'm off track now, back to the other stuff!]) I hopped back in the car and was told by my mum and sister that the girl "sitting down" was taking a piss. Now, I'm perfectly okay with you urinating in a discreet area, preferable on/near a bush or something because you'll be fertilising it, but this babe was doing her dirty business on the side of the road! Was this what they were yelling at me about, the fact that one of them had go to the toilet so bad, they had to pee in the gutter? Did they want to draw attention to it? Did they think it was something worthy of sharing with more people than themselves? Do more people have this mentality, to think they are important when they aren't? I think I should find out.

Now I come to telling you the point of this blog entry. I've come up with the pseudonym/anagram to serve as a front for me to get into a pub with a camera. I may phone the pub ahead of time to ask them if it would be okay if I could get some shots for a piece I'm doing on the way of life in rural Australia and that it's for International syndication. Now, I plan on using  that same line and making sure that the people getting photographed know it's going to be seen by the WORLD. I'll take a note pad to take down peoples names, or maybe a dictaphone, and more importantly answers to question I will ask. I haven't come up with the questions I'm going to ask, but I'll try to make it seem legit. Speaking of legit, I'm pretty sure that impersonating someone might be an offence, well maybe only If I get things for free or I get some monetary gain from it. In the unlikely even I get caught by the police, I doubt I would get charged with anything. 

The hardest part of this plan is going to be someone blowing my cover. I need to get at least a few people talking about the "guy from a fancy newspaper coming to do some story about Australian country towns or some shit". So the people reading this that are my friends and live in this town (by that I mean all the people reading this) need to help me out! 

Chances are I won't do this because of laziness and fear of being stabbed but WHATEVER! I feel like I really want to do this AT THE MOMENT and that's all that matters! 

You know you want my blog in you.

I'm not one to flock into the rushing torrents of popular trends. However, I am one to whore myself for attention, So I've created a blog. I guess the main reason is to talk about my various photographic ventures and, more than likely, the other awesome and outrageously sexy situations I get myself into. Oh, and make a note of the post time of this. Yeaaaaaah, Past midnight up writing my stories for the people of the internet to enjoy, I'm fully sick.

Over the past year I've become more and more interested in all aspects of photography. From the image stealing to the picture chemical wash (taking photos and developing them, for those who aren't schooled in the high tech vocab of the photomakers). In future posts, I will share with you my photos and the stories behind them. I'm looking to get some photos of happenings at parties and pubs, lets call it my "study into postmodernist perceptions of popular culture and alcohol". Although, the pub may not be the best place to take photos. I'm a pretty weedy guy and I can just imagine my face getting fused with a schooner glass. I did have an idea on how to make people comfortable with me taking there photos but that involves impersonating a photojournalist for the Associated Press and I think that might be illegal. Well, I suppose it would be interesting to take photos inside a prison.